Leadership Matters.

What Kind of Coach Is Leading Your Child?

Have you ever wondered what type of coach your son or daughter is playing for? Trust me, I’m right there with you. As a parent of four children who have played under a wide range of coaches—from youth leagues to travel teams to high school—I’ve seen it all. Fortunately, my wife and I are educators, giving us a unique perspective on leadership, teaching, and mentorship. However, my firsthand experience coaching at every level—youth, travel, high school, and college- truly gives me insight. I’ve worked with all types of male and female players and seen the best and worst of coaching.

The Disturbing Trend in Coaching

There was a time when coaching was a calling—when being a coach meant molding and shaping young athletes into better players and better people. That said, my generation was led with accountability, and I promise you some of the stuff we went through would make national news in modern times. Nevertheless, great men led me and held me accountable to what mattered. Yes, I was a teenager; therefore, I was an idiot trying to figure it all out. I never felt unsafe once, because I knew when I messed up it was my fault, and it was never a missed shot, a strikeout, or an error. My coaches held me accountable so I could become a functional adult! My coaches never made it about themselves; they didn't clamor to claim our success as theirs. They didn't find a way to sneak into every photo or try to make it about them. They spoke like adults, walked like adults, dressed like adults, and were tough but fair. Unfortunately, we’re seeing a dangerous trend moving in the wrong direction. I can’t remember a time when I’ve seen so many underqualified, egotistical, and narcissistic individuals leading our kids.

Too often over the last two years, I’ve had to step in and help young athletes navigate the trauma of playing for an awful coach. I can tolerate a coach who may be out of their depth regarding substitution patterns or game strategy. But I cannot and will not tolerate a coach who is a terrible human being. There is a vast difference between holding kids accountable, coaching firmly, and being an absolute disgrace to leadership.

So, how do you know if your child is playing for a good coach or one of the bad ones? Here are some key characteristics to look for.

What Makes a Great Coach?

✅ Invests in All Players, Not Just the Talented Ones. A great coach doesn’t just focus on the most skilled or easiest-to-coach kids. They help any athlete willing to work hard, developing those who may struggle instead of ignoring them.

✅ Holds Players Accountable, But Fairly. A good coach sets high expectations but corrects mistakes in a way that builds confidence, not tears players down. They push players to grow but don’t belittle or humiliate them.

✅ Gives Clear, Constructive Feedback. A strong coach provides specific, actionable advice on how to improve rather than simply saying, “Do better.” They teach the why behind what they’re asking players to do.

✅ Builds a Culture of Respect and Hard Work. They inspire players to work hard and respect the game, not through fear or intimidation, but through leadership and example. Players want to perform for them, not because they’re afraid, but because they believe in the process.

✅ Genuinely Cares About Player Development. Great coaches are invested in their athletes’ long-term success, not just short-term performance. They see their role as mentors, not just strategists trying to win games.

How to Tell If You’re Being Led Well

A good coach does more than just run drills and call plays—they develop you as a player and a person. Here’s how you can tell if you’re being led well:

1. They Hold You Accountable, But Fairly

   • Do they challenge you to meet high standards without tearing you down?

   • Do they call out mistakes but also give you the tools to fix them?

   • Do they expect the same effort and discipline from all players?

2. They Give You Clear, Actionable Feedback

   • Instead of saying “Do better,” do they tell you how to improve?

   • Do they explain why certain things matter?

   • Does their feedback help you grow?

3. They Inspire Effort & Buy-In

   • Do you want to play hard for them and your team?

   • Are they passionate about the game and their players?

   • Do they create a competitive but supportive team culture?

4. They Care About Your Development, Not Just Wins

   • Do they invest in your skills, conditioning, and basketball IQ?

   • Are they interested in your long-term growth, not just your short-term performance?

   • Do they check in on you as a person, not just a player?

5. You’re Improving Under Their Leadership

   • Do you feel yourself getting better—physically, mentally, and skill-wise?

   • Do you understand the game better than before?

   • Have they helped you reach or set new goals?

A great coach will challenge you, make you uncomfortable at times, and push you to limits you didn’t think you had—but they’ll do it in a way that makes you better. Do you feel like your coach is bringing out the best in you?

Red Flags: When Coaching Goes Wrong

❌ Plays Favorites Based on Talent. If a coach only invests time in naturally gifted players and ignores those who need development, they’re failing as leaders.

❌ Lacks Emotional Intelligence and Empathy. Does the coach humiliate or berate players instead of correcting them constructively? Do they ignore players’ physical, mental, or emotional struggles? If so, they’re doing more harm than good.

❌ Uses Fear and Intimidation to Lead. Players should want to give effort out of respect for their coach, not out of fear of being embarrassed or demeaned. A coach who leads by threats or manipulation is toxic.

❌ Blames Players and Takes Credit for Success. A narcissistic coach blames players when things go wrong but takes full credit when the team wins. They make everything about themselves rather than their athletes.

Is Your Coach a Narcissist?

If you’re wondering whether your coach is just an authoritarian leader or a narcissist, here are some key red flags to look for:

1. It’s Always About Them

   • Do they take credit for wins but blame players for losses?

   • Do they make everything about their success rather than the team’s?

   • Do they constantly talk about their accomplishments instead of focusing on their development?

   • Do they seemingly find a way to make everything about them and ensure they’re in every photo?

2. They Don’t Handle Criticism Well

   • Can they take feedback, or are they defensive and shut people down?

   • Do they react badly if someone questions their decisions?

   • Do they punish players for speaking up, even respectfully?

3. They Play Mind Games & Manipulate

   • Do they pit players against each other to maintain control?

   • Do they gaslight, making you question your own experiences or feelings?

   • Do they give praise and support only when it benefits them?

4. They Lack Empathy & Don’t Care About Your Growth

   • Do they belittle or embarrass players instead of correcting them constructively?

   • Do they ignore or dismiss players’ struggles (mental, emotional, or physical)?

   • Do they show favoritism without clear reasons?

5. Their Leadership is Based on Fear, Not Respect

   • Do players feel more afraid of messing up than motivated to improve?

   • Do they make threats or humiliate players as a way to “coach”?

   • Do they demand loyalty but never show appreciation for the team?

A demanding coach pushes you, but a narcissistic coach does it for their ego, not your development. Do any of these sound familiar to your coach?